I am thrilled to have an amazing woman of faith, Kristin L. Hanley, as a guest on my blog today! Kristin is a homeschool mom, an online English professor, a Bible-study leader, a blogger, a published author and truly an inspiration to so many! I am blessed to call her my dear friend. Today Kristin is sharing, “What To Say When Someone Grieves,” and I know you will find it chock-full of invaluable wisdom and insight. It’s a great article to download and/or print so that you can refer to it when someone you know is grieving.
To learn more about Kristin, check out her blog: kristinlhanley.com. Her book can be ordered on Amazon by clicking this link, Navigating a Sea of Emotions. Her fantastic book just came out this January, and it is already receiving rave reviews! Jennifer White (author of Prayers For New Brides) wrote, “Navigating A Sea Of Emotions is a very relatable, encouraging, and biblical resource for women like me who need help navigating our emotions. Kristin’s personal stories had me laughing out loud, and her writing style made it easy for me to hear God speaking to the deep, hidden places of my heart. This is a treasure I highly recommend to women for personal devotions or group study.”
Guest Post by Kristin L. Hanley:
“What To Say When Someone Grieves”
The 23rd of January would have been my dad’s 61st birthday. Like we’ve done the previous three years, my siblings and I gathered at Mom’s place and honored him by telling stories and doing something Dad thoroughly enjoyed: making and eating donuts.
It’s a time of laughter and reflection with fringes of pain, for we will never again celebrate a birthday with him this side of Heaven. Even so, we know that we don’t grieve without hope. We understand the brevity of this life and the glorious reunion of the one to come. But, sometimes, we just need the grace to be sad.
A hundred years or so ago, people were permitted to have space in their loss. They weren’t pushed forward with impatience by their peers to “get back out there.” Victorian etiquette required a widow to wear black for two years. Years—not months, and certainly not weeks. Children of deceased parents wore black for one year, traditionally. Death was a part of life, not an aspect to be denied and ignored. Those grieving still interacted with family and close friends, but compassion and sympathy surrounded their day-to-day interactions. Life moved on, yes, but at a different pace.
What I didn’t realize was that my grief over my dad’s death wouldn’t be this linear path. I presumed that I’d progress stage by stage until I eventually proceeded back into the light. Yet, stages cycle back again in these painful circles of confusion until I wonder if I’m really morphing at all, but then, grief never fully escapes us. We are all on this planet grieving something. Again, C.S. Lewis captured the idea well: “One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. The same leg is cut off time after time.” (A Grief Observed)
Unless you’ve experienced a loss like this, your ability to sympathize can only go so far. It’s only kind to lend you a helping hand with some tools you can utilize for hurting friends.
- Don’t say “I understand.” Your story may be similar, but your story is just that: yours. No two losses look the same.
- Don’t offer platitudes or spiritual “buck-ups.” God needed him in heaven more than he needed him here (I won’t even begin to dissect the skewed theology of that statement). God needed another angel (Buzzer. Sorry, no, we don’t become angels). God won’t give you more than you can handle. (Actually, He does…frequently. It’s called human weakness that leads to dependence and no, this Scripture isn’t referring to hardship, but temptation). It was just their time to go. (This statement discredits the extreme pain you are enduring). You can always…[have another child, remarry, etc.] (Again, this statement devalues the depth of your relationship/connection to the person now gone. God is still on the throne. (True. But sometimes, life down here just sucks).
- Don’t say, “Let me know what I can do for you.” If you are close to the person and know where they live, just deliver a meal, send a card and flowers, clean their house, bring them groceries. Obviously, the level of involvement will be based on the depth of your relationship, but don’t expect them to ask for help. It won’t happen.
- Don’t say, “You need to go do something.” Regardless of your intentions for helping someone, give them the freedom and time to mourn in their own way and in their own time. If they refuse to leave the house after a year then you can start—gently—providing some intervention.
So what can you do? Here are some helpful tips.
- Say, “I’m sorry.” And leave it with that. Why do you need to say anything? Just be there. The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). If you are uncomfortable with the sadness, stretch yourself. Just listen.
- Help any practical way you can. People who have lost a loved one struggle through the day-to-day activities. Sometimes it’s all they can do to get out of bed. So, pick up their kids from school, fold laundry, wash dishes, prepare meals, vacuum, field phone calls and emails, etc. Get creative.
- Remember them. When the raw shock of death wears off (about 1-2 months, depending on the level of preparation), the deeper pain is revealed. People need phone calls, letters, and coffee dates just as much—if not more—a few months after the loss of a loved one. Don’t forget to include widows, orphans, and friends on holidays and gatherings. They may decline, but always make them feel invited.
- Give grace. And more grace.
To read more from Kristin check out her blog: kristinlhanley.com and her book, Navigating a Sea of Emotions.