Saturday was my Dad’s birthday. It has been 2 1/2 months since he went to be with Jesus unexpectedly and suddenly from a tragic car accident. As much as I was missing him on his birthday, God gave me the peace of knowing he is in heaven celebrating like never before! However, my heart was still heavy, and I knew my Mom, sister and all of his family and friends were especially sad on Daddy’s day. The enemy began to attack me like a roaring lion on the hunt, ready to devour me. When we are vulnerable, when we are moving into a deeper relationship with Jesus, and when we are stepping out in faith for Him, satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
I had not experienced such intense spiritual warfare ever before. The blows kept coming one after another. When I say spiritual warfare I am talking about relentless, defeating thoughts…a heaviness literally weighing down my whole body…and attacks from people who were hurting me deeply with their words and actions. I was in so much anguish that I could not stop crying…the pain was physical, mental and emotional. My precious husband prayed for me and did everything he could to help me. He truly discerned exactly what was happening, and he sympathized and spoke truth over me. I kept praying and I also reached out for prayer. Even though the pain wasn’t going away, I could feel hope breaking through…hope that God would get me through this.
The next morning I woke up crying. It was Sunday, and I was scheduled to be on the worship team. I prayed to God for help. I did not feel like leading worship…good grief…how could I lead anyone into worship whenever I was so broken? But by God’s strength and my dear husband’s help, I got out of bed, weeping. This thought came to my mind, “I will worship You, even when I feel like everything inside of me is broken.” I declared out loud, over and over, “The Lord is my strength and my song. No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” See, even though I knew deep down that I was experiencing a spiritual attack combined with grief for my Dad, I couldn’t shake it. In those horrible moments I had to just keep moving, keep fighting, and keep trusting that God was going to come through. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had not had prayer warriors praying for me!
The fact that I made it to the church is a testament to God’s power. If you could have seen me only an hour before…you would never have believed it was possible for me to help lead worship. When we went through the rehearsal, I did not allow myself to truly worship. What I mean by that is: I practiced the music and the words, but I did not allow my heart and mind to actually worship Jesus. There’s a big difference. I knew that if I did, I would not be able to keep my composure. The truth is that when I am open to God’s presence, I am always moved. Depending on the condition of my heart, it can get pretty emotional. But then I thought, “What is the point? This goes against everything I believe in! I have to actually worship in spirit and truth! I cannot just fake it and go through the motions. Well, it did not take long…when we sang the words, “Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like you have loved me,” I couldn’t help it…the dam broke again and the tears would not stop. Right there in front of everyone I was completely broken, and it felt like God was doing surgery on my heart.
I felt so embarrassed and immediately wanted to run and hide. But then a memory of Louis Zamperini from his book, “Unbroken” flashed into my mind: I saw the evil prison guard physically beating him repeatedly, but Zamperini kept getting up! I prayed, “The enemy wants to take me out, and make me give up, but he’s not going to win. God, I will get back up and I will praise You.”
I wish I could say that when all of this was happening, I consistently had a good attitude and it never got the best of me…but that would not be true. I was fighting so hard the whole time to just hang on. Everything in me wanted to give up. Many times I wanted to run and never stop…away from it all. But I want to tell you something…if you are hurting…when you praise The Lord out of that deep pain, that kind of worship takes you to a whole new place with Jesus.
You don’t have to be a worship leader in the church to do this either. I’m talking about completely surrendering. Even when it does not make sense…when you feel like you have done the right thing but hard things keep coming…we must choose to worship Him anyway! God sees your heart and choosing to worship is warfare against satan’s evil schemes. And you will realize where your heart really stands: Do I love Him for what He can do for me, or do I love Him because of who He is? Because aren’t we tempted to think, “God, you could have prevented all of this!” But what I know is that fire purifies us! When gold is purified it is heated until it melts and all the impurities rise to the top. Impurities are extracted to make pure gold. It is the same way with us: when we are melting in the fire, God can remove our impurities that rise to the surface. Many things were rising up in me: anger, pride, hatred, and bitterness! But choosing to worship Him during the fire allows Him to do a mighty work in us.
I want to encourage you to surrender everything to God. You can trust him. He will take all of the pain that the enemy fires at you and use it for your good…purifying your heart like pure gold. I believe the key is to never stop worshiping Him!
I also cannot convey strongly enough the necessity of people in your life to pray for you. If you do not have people like this in your life, start praying for God to provide someone! He wants us to pray for one another (it’s Biblical) and He will provide. Don’t let pride stop you from asking for prayer!
No matter how hard the enemy comes after you and hurts you, do not let him stop you from worshiping God! Even when you don’t think you can…even when you feel like faking it…going through the motions or running away…praise Him anyway! He will draw close to you when you draw close to Him (James 4:8). The enemy may succeed in hurting you, but if you refuse to let him take away your worship…you will see that God will not only fight for you but He will bring you into a whole new level of intimacy with Him. He will deliver you from the fire, and purify your heart! Worship Him, and He gets the victory, not the enemy!
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”